Mental Health & Wellbeing
Taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee'
Joined by Dr Chi-Chi Obuaya
The topic and issue of mental health is more prevalent today than ever before. The importance of mental health has been growing since before the pandemic, but there has been additional light shone on this area as a result of the impact of COVID-19. In 2020, research showed that one in four people in England would experience some kind of mental health problem each year. And 1 in 6 people will experience a common mental health problem (such as anxiety or depression) every week!
Dr Chi-Chi Obuaya is a psychiatrist who works in private practice and as a consultant for the NHS. He shares that throughout this pandemic peoples lives have been impacted in every way that could potentially impact someone’s mental health. From becoming physically isolated and cut off from friends and families, to having to homeschool and work at the same time or kids returning home from school, to unemployment or the threat of job loss. “Every single way people could potentially be affected, they have been. So I think, it’s a bit of cliché, but it has been a massive leveller because it’s pretty much affected everybody. And in at least some way, the rhythm to our lives has been disrupted. And its not just that. I think it’s also the coping mechanisms that we have, being able to rely on friends and family.”
There are also some specific pressures put on marriage, especially those with children at home. While many people may have fantasized about being at home more, working less or spending more time with our partners and families, there are different pressures and stresses that have arisen for many people. Dr Obuaya himself has experienced the challenges of different expectations while working from home. “Today I’m working from home and probably after we’ve finished talking, I might nip out to the bathroom before I resume my afternoon clinic. And that for me might be a brief break, a chance to get some water, maybe even if I’m lucky some fresh air. But from my wife’s perspective, she will see me and that’s maybe a chance for her to have a break from looking after baby Daniel. So little things like that can just create a bit of pressure if there are different expectations. So, for some couples spending more time with each other than they’re used to spending has been really difficult for them and they’ve had to find ways of managing to be around each other.”
But the question remains, how do we practically preserve and protect our own mental health, especially when so many situations are out of our control? Dr Obuaya recommends sleep, daily structure and exercise. “It has such a big impact on our mental health when we’re not sleeping well.” Most of us will know (especially parents) that sleep deprivation very easily causes irritability. And that is only going to exacerbate other issues and cause misunderstanding and poor communication. Secondly, having a daytime structure is important to compartmentalise home life and work life. Our daytime structure has been massively disrupted and we therefore need to be more intentional about how our days actually look. Finally, movement and exercise are extremely important for our mental health. “We’re spending quite a lot of our days sitting own in front of the screen and not moving a much as we perhaps need to. So thinking of ways to just break that up, jumping on a bike to loosen things up… or going for a walk or going for a run. And again, things that we would perhaps normally access like the gym or going for a swim may not be possible. So being creative in how we do that.”
These top tips are also helpful as signs to use if worried about a family or household member’s mental health. However, we have to be careful not to generalise too much as there are a broad range of mental health conditions. “One helpful concept is to think about mental health or mental wellbeing and mental ill health as occurring on a continuum. So the idea that there’s a spectrum.” When we are at one end of the spectrum, we are likely going to be getting good sleep, have structure and are exercising. We are essentially thriving and likely being outwardly focused and positive about the future. “The opposite of that is a state that we can refer to as languishing. That’s not a diagnosis, but we could think about that as an at-risk state that potentially puts us at risk of developing depression or an anxiety disorder, or if we had an existing mental health problem that could somehow be exacerbated.” This may show up in poor sleep, no structure or delineation between work and home life, being inwardly focused and using poor coping mechanisms (like food and alcohol).
It’s important to remember that if someone in our household is experiencing this, try not to be confrontational. Especially if it’s your spouse, you can do some practical things to support them and have opportunities for conversations about these issues. Carve out time to deal with the daily items and sort through your admin. But its also good to remember that this should be separate from time that a couple has for connection.
“One encouragement for couples is create enough time, but also understand what you're doing with that time… But there's something really important about regular connection. We all have administrative tasks that we need to do. So give that the time and attention it deserves, but make sure you're just checking in with each other, finding out how you're doing. And within that, when you're then identifying areas of concern, you've got a better opportunity to address them sensitively.”
But we can’t dismiss the fact that we are experiencing loss. And while everyone’s experience is different, and many people have very difficult relationships with their families, many of us have had to face the real loss of our support networks. These networks, often families or other friend groups, have traditionally been important resources. But when those support networks are removed, “we have to accept where we are, and those losses are real and its not about glossing over those, but one has to try and be creative… So its not about just waiting for our circumstances to change. Its working with the constraints that we face and trying to be creative where possible, but also accepting that there are certain things that we’re missing at this time.”
So what do we do if we need extra help? If we are overwhelmed? One of the benefits of this pandemic has been the access to help, particularly digitally, has greatly improved. And while it may be very frustrating for some being unable to access to doctors face-to-face, “technology is our friend when it come to our mental health.”
There are of course psychologists, psychiatrist and other medical professionals that can provide support digitally. Your GP is also a good place to start in many countries and can be a good place to run any difficulties by. The workplace is also increasingly becoming a place where there is support around mental wellbeing. Your line manager or boss may be able to get you the support you need. “But even before we think about professional support, think about the people that are in your network who may be the conduit to you then accessing help. We mustn't forget those informal support networks that we have.”
But there are also some practical ways we can support our partners. First, ask questions. Don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions about what’s going on. “People are being affected in lots of different ways. And if we just take anxiety, for instance, some people have anxiety primarily around maybe contracting COVID-19 or it might be the children, that they're worried about their safety. But there may be more of an indirect effect, they may be worried about work or the fact that there's more pressure in their job and they feel that their job is under threat, or the school run is more stressful. It could be a whole range of things and I think there's a danger sometimes that we think we know what's going on and we jump in.”
Second, try to understand what your role is as a spouse. “Sometimes what's needed is just for you to listen and to acknowledge and to validate what your partner's going through. And that might actually be all that's required, for you to turn off the TV… Pay attention, listen, and acknowledge. It's not about finding the answer. It's just a way of sharing that problem. And maybe the solution will come further down the line, but in that moment, what you're being asked to do is to demonstrate that you've actually listened that you've heard what's going on. And that might be enough. So keeping it really really simple.”
Third, be open and honest with each other about when you may need help. Try “not being afraid to sensitively share that outside of your dyad, your actual couple relationship, and just think together about at what point some external help is needed.”
And finally, especially those couples with children, make sure you are paying attention to your own wellbeing and recognize that there is juggling act going on. Your identity often encompasses your role as a spouse and also as a parent. “[T]here's a tendency for us to focus on one to the detriment of at least one of the other two, if not both. And I think during this season everyone's worried about kids and schools, so we can veer towards what do we need to do as parents, but actually have you guys as a couple spend time talking during the last week… and if you're paying attention to those two things, are you giving yourself adequate time to maybe go for a run or have time to do a bit of reading? So it's, it's a constant juggling act. It's not easy, but I think one has to just be aware of that and give each other the necessary time to pay attention to those two or three areas.”
You can watch the full interview below.
Additional Resources
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
NHS - Mental Health and Wellbeing
All quotes by Dr Chi-Chi Obuaya from the interview 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee'
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If you are worried that you, or a loved one may be experiencing mental illness, contact your health care provider, mental health professional or call NHS 111.
If you cannot wait to see a doctor and feel unable to cope or keep yourself safe, contact one of the organisations in the link below to get support right away.
The Mind and Soul Foundation : Get urgent help
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