Bereavement
Taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee'
Joined by Hannah and Simon Martin
This topic is one that affects all of us and those we love and care about at some point in our lives. And knowing how to handle grief ourselves and knowing how to help someone else who's bereaved is not something some of us have ever learned.
Hannah and Simon suffered two very significant bereavements within days of each other, miscarrying their baby on the day of Hannah’s moms funeral. And even if their circumstances aren’t the same and yours, they share openly and honestly as they look back on the most difficult parts of their grief as well as how they continue to deal with it.
Grief brings about so many emotions, sometimes all at once or one right after another. They come without warning and at times seem irrational. From hope disappearing in a second to anger, confusion, frustration and disappointment. We may not experience all of them and they may be at different times or all together.
“I think a numbness was something we both felt. I remember, we are both Christians, and I remember being in church and being around people that we loved and doing something that was incredibly important to us and had been all our lives. And yet here we were feeling completely numb, completely unable to really feel kind of any closeness to any of our friends around us, but also to God who, again, we love.”
“Guilt was [also] a big one as well that we both struggled with. Guilt that we didn't do enough, guilt that we weren't around her more, or we were not around enough for mum. In trying to be there for mum, we'd kind of neglected our friendship circle and had we not done that, would they have responded in a way that was better? Guilt that we'd somehow possibly done something to stifled our baby's chances, you know?”
When we are experiencing such a range of heavy emotions, coping can often be a struggle. Hannah shared that, “I think practically coping, we just had to narrow everything right down, like almost what is the bare minimum that we can do to function. So we pretty much just about managed work. So we do our jobs, come home, collapse and that was about our capacity/ Which I think some friends found really confusing and there was an expectation that we should be rallying and getting out there and seeing people and, you know, chin up time to crack on. But we didn't have the capacity. I think as well, when you're bereaved, it's exhausting. Feeling so heartbroken, you're just tired. So you don't have the capacity. So we very much just had to minimize our capacity and commitment.”
But everyone copes differently. Simon shared that while that was certainly how they coped in the short term, their longer term responses were very different. “I was somebody who wasn't able to help and save either of these two people. And as a man, you want to be that person that is there for the person you love and is able to fix things. We're great fixers aren't we, and sometimes to our detriment, but I think I struggled to support her and really connect with her emotionally. And I think, whereas Hannah perhaps responded with her emotions much nearer the surface, I very much had my emotions much, much deeper beneath the surface. It wasn't to say that I wasn't grieving. It wasn't say that I wasn't absolutely broken and in pieces. I was, but I just handled it slightly differently and my emotions were way deeper.
And I think that felt like quite an important thing with hindsight to recognize is that actually Hannah often looked to me to feel the same things as her. And would often say, why aren't you feeling this? Like, are you not sad? And I don't know if you ever verbalized it like that, but I certainly felt like she felt those questions. And I guess to anyone who's going through this, with a partner, you do go through these things very differently. I don't think it's to say necessarily that the other person isn't feeling it. If you don't feel that they're going through it, they almost certainly are, but they probably are processing in a very different way. And I think one of the ways I began to process it was almost by trying to control the things I could control.”
So when you’re grieving, but processing differently, how do you support each other?
“I'd say be kind to each other. And try to be aware that we all grieve differently. I think my expectation was that if, if you weren't crying on the floor, then you weren't feeling anything. Because that's the only way I knew how to express my grief. And I think in turn, I have to acknowledge that I was probably quite unpleasant to Simon because I didn't understand. So kindness can go a really long way. And then patience, because there is no rule book or no one set journey that you travel down as you're grieving, it can look very, very different. And you just need to be patient with each other as you both in your own way, muddle through coping as best you can.”
One thing the marriage course highlighted to Hannah and Simon was about finding things that you enjoy doing on your own but also together. And while they could both say things that they were separately passionate about, there was an absence of activity that they shared and that was an alarm bell for them. “So again, not from our own experience of having done this well, but from our experience of looking back with hindsight and thinking what we could have done better, I think we could have found things that we could have done together that again, took us slightly off topic. You want things that are gonna allow you to have fun, maybe experience a laugh, maybe experience a bit of joy together. That could be playing tennis together. We played tennis together on our wedding anniversary this year. For the first time it was in the rain, it was kind of soul food. And it was like, ‘Hey, yeah, we have fun together.’ So I think there's something to be said to find something that you both enjoy and you can do that maybe takes you slightly away from your immediate circumstances.”
But what about when it’s not your own bereavement? How can you support someone going through grief? What is helpful? And equally, what is unhelpful or even inappropriate in those situations?
“There was one particular act that really stuck by me, which was the Vicar of our church. I think he probably sensed that we were struggling to adjust back in. And actually we had this strong sense of, again in those months that followed, this sense of this grey cloud being very much just above the surface of our heads and this inability almost to operate outside of ourselves. And our Vicar rang our doorbell one day, completely out of the blue, hadn't texted or called to say he was coming. And he just turned up with this lemon drizzle cake that he'd made that afternoon and he just dropped around and he said, ‘Look, you guys are really missed, just know that we love you. Here's a cake just for you to enjoy.’ It might seem like a really small thing, but actually it felt like these clouds above, it felt like this hand kind of reaching into our existence and just being a bit of a lifeline.”
Don’t ignore what’s happened. It may be natural to try and avoid what’s happened, but that’s not that needed. “I think acknowledgement is all you really crave actually at the time, because you're experiencing something so life altering and so huge in your world that someone just acknowledging that you're grieving or having a hard time is all you really want. So even if the words are, ‘Hannah, I do not know what to say, but I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I am so sorry you lost your baby.’ That's all you want.”
So try to simply acknowledge the loss. An apology, a hug if appropriate, a lemon drizzle cake. Or even a simple text. “Unsolicited communication was wonderful in a time when I didn't feel I could ask, you know, I'm no fun to be around. I know that no, one's going to want to go for a walk with me cause I'm so boring at the moment. I'm just sad. I might cry again. I don't want to cry again. So I just won't see that person or I won't reach out. So, my advice to other people, if friends of yours are grieving is just keep plugging away.”
And while you may have moved on from seeing the initial grief in someone, try to remember that they are still dealing with it and may be for a long time. “The text messages stopped at some point, it's like the press leave town, right? And suddenly you're on your own. You're in the quietness of your own home. And the support kind of goes. That immediate support goes and actually you need people to carry on and keep taking that initiative.”
One thing to avoid is putting pressure on the grieving person to think of some way you can help or telling them to ask or let you know when they need something. “When you're grieving, you don't have the capacity to think or try and help other people feel good that they're helping you.”
“Don't let, what you can't do get in the way of what you can do.” Just go knock on the door and offer to do some laundry or clean the house or make a meal.”
It’s important to remember that we can’t and shouldn’t deal with grief on our own. Both Hannah and Simon sought professional help eventually and wished they would have reached out to other bereavement services offered locally. But also friends, “I wish we'd been a bit braver sometimes just saying, we're a right mess today. Things aren't going to get better. Potentially if we just stay in this moment, is there any chance you could pop around even just for 10 minutes? So I wish we'd been better at that. Might encourage people now who are grieving to do that, because I think your loved ones will really want to help, you won't be burdening them.”
“In hindsight, if it's not necessarily a joint bereavement… maybe that's something that the opposing partner can do and say, perhaps me in that state of wanting to be that strong one, maybe that's something I could have been better at. Actually being the one that reaches out and says, friends, we need your help, and this is how you can help.”
Hannah and Simon also wish they would have done the Marriage Course sooner. It gave them space to talk, learn to listen, work through issues and learn about each other again in a safe space. “This happened in 2011, and then had some subsequent miscarriages and kind of traumas. And I don't think we ever really stepped back and addressed our marriage, and these events have a really huge impact on how you relate to each other as a couple. And actually I think time had just compounded probably bad habits. It compounded poor communication. It compounded going through things in different ways and not really talking about it. And actually the marriage course was for us a bit of a lifeline. Actually, I think we probably got to a place where we actually needed some external help and it was an incredibly refreshing experience.”
Those who are experiencing grief may wonder if time will help? “Time? Time definitely helps. I still don't think you should say that to someone who's very recently bereaved… but no time does help. I mean, my family as I knew it will never be the same again. It irreparably changed and I still mourn that. I mourn what my family used to be. Celebrations are never the same cause there's always a huge thing missing. So life is very, very different and things can happen daily that still make me feel sad. I feel sad that she's not here. I feel sad that I can't celebrate moments with her, that she never got to meet my children and they would have loved her.
I think there are certainly times when I'm feeling sad or missing mum, but it would be helpful if I just said, ‘Oh gosh, I wish mum was here today.’ Or. ‘I wish I could have told mum about that.’ But that all-encompassing the unbearable grief and pain that you feel initially it does eventually subside. And it becomes very different kind of pain management, I suppose. And I love the analogy of kind of a boat. I might get this wrong, but you know, your first time sailing a boat through rough waters can be terrifying, but the sea is always going to be a bit rough. But the more experience you have, the better you get at steering that boat.”
You can watch the full interview below.
Additional Resources
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
Association of Christian Counsellors
All quotes taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee, Joined by Simon and Hannah Martin'
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If you or a loved one are struggling with a bereavement and need to speak with someone, contact your health care provider, mental health professional or call NHS 111.
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