Parenting Teenagers
Taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee'
Joined by Rob Parsons and Katharine Hill
We are living in unprecedented times and never before has anyone faced the same challenges as the teenagers today. Likewise, never have parents faced the challenge of raising teenagers in times like these. Not only that but parenting in the teenage years is very different from the primary years. It's all too easy to think that you can just continue with what worked in those early years. However, as Sila says, “Instead of being the 'controller' when you're saying, 'we're going to the zoo today' and 'we're having lunch at this time' you have to become the consultant. You have to step back, and you have to give advice from afar and they then choose whether they're going to accept that or not.”
Rob Parson and Katharine Hill have not only raised teenagers themselves but work daily with parents and families supporting and encouraging them. And the overwhelming piece of advice for parents is you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing this and you are not the only one struggling.
“We would travel the world just to say to parents, particularly the parents of teenagers. This is not just you… [You’re] not the only ones that are going through this. And I think if you're a parent at the moment and you're going through a tough time with your teenager, you are parenting in a way that nobody's had to parent pretty well in the history of the world… but you are not alone. Others have walked this way and these are unusual times.”
These would be unusual times even without a global pandemic and whole households being forced to all be home all the time. “Just at the stage when our teenagers are trying to establish their identity away from us, their parents, that's what they're meant to be doing in the teenage years, which is why it can be a bit of a struggle just at that moment. They're being asked to stay at home and not be in contact with their peers, which is really, really important in working out who they are, with a world telling them that their significance is in what they look like. Their value is in what they own, their worth is in how many likes they have on social media. And you put all that into the context of the home and the kind of nocturnal hours, maybe of teenage behaviour and parents trying to manage some kind of routine. And it is a perfect storm. And it's tough for our teenagers, I think as well, as well as super tough for parents.'
So how do we help our teenagers thrive? First, don't try to make one child be like another. It may be an easy mistake; you may have one child who tests you at every turn while another obeys everything you say. “But, the problem when we do that, when we try to make somebody be somebody they can't be, we miss the incredible person they are.” And whatever you do, make sure you catch them doing something right, even if you have to search for it. “So often all the testing child hears in negative, 'don't do this', 'don't do that', 'don't hit your sister'. But none of us can survive lie that. You got to catch [them] doing something right”
Second, show your love and acceptance for your children in everyday family life. “[A]s parents we've got this amazing opportunity, even when they're driving us crazy, to show them that our love for them is based on who they are, on who they were made to be. And so I think that's the greatest gift we can give them is love and acceptance, and there's so many ways we can do that... It can be the smallest things and it can take resolve, but it's just seizing those moments.”
And finally, if you are parenting as a couple, try to stay united. This isn't always easy, especially as there can be a lot of other factors going on in our lives, but give each other a bit of slack and try to understand where the other partner is coming from. “Trying to carve out time and deciding to be on the same page, at least in front of the teenagers, I think makes a really big difference because it gives them security. If they know that they can't play one off against the other that isn't just about a boundary, it is about security.”
This also means that you can't be your kid's best mate, advice Rob received himself. The issue is that as a parent you have to be prepared to say 'no'. “They might end up being their best friend, but don't have that as an aim because parents have to say and do things that best friends are not prepared to do and say. Parents have to be prepared to take knows in the popularity stakes.”
Another question in these unprecedented times is how do we help our teenagers to manage screens? Even though there are massive challenges that come with today's technology, there are many advantages and they are extremely important. We need to help our teenagers learn to manage them and cope with them.
“Our teenagers are only as safe as the least protected child that they know. And so ultimately our job as parents is to equip them to deal with the digital in a way when we're not there and to these values in their live. So they know how to say no. So they know how to make wise decisions.”
There are three different areas that Katharine talks about to watch, talk about and put boundaries in place. They are:
1. Contact - who are they talking to?
2. Conduct - how are they behaving online?
3. Content - what is it they are seeing online?
Ultimately, we need to be openly talking about all these areas with our children. We need to discuss with them what your values and guidelines are for screen use, teach them what to do in uncertain or unsettling situations and ensure they know what behaviour is expected of them and what the consequences are. And don't forget, these should be guidelines for the entire family, parents too! “The greatest problem actually, aren't often the children, but the parents themselves is that they're constantly on the mobile phones... Now we say this, that values aren't so much taught as caught. And Katharine's got this great idea in a book where the whole family charge their phones together, downstairs at night. So even the parents have to plug, their phones in and say, we're with you in this.”
You can watch the full interview below.
Additional Resources
https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk
Books: 'Mind of Their Own' by Katharine Hill
'Left To Their Own Devices? Confident Parenting in a World of Screens' by Katharine Hill
All quotes taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee, Joined by Rob Parsons and Katharine Hill'