Infertility
Taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee'
Joined by Andy and Sarah Lang
Infertility impacts around 1 in 7 couples in the UK, and yet it is so rarely talked about. It is often a very hard journey, faced with disappointment and can put a lot of pressure on a couple’s relationship. Nicky and Sila spoke with Andy and Sarah Lang, who have had a long struggle with this journey but have worked to stay united as a couple and have since gone on to support other couples who are struggling along the same journey.
While Andy and Sarah’s story may be different to others who are going through this type of situation, they have both experienced the grief, isolation, disappointment and so many other struggles that accompany most people’s infertility journeys. And we realise that everyone’s journey is unique, which makes a difficult topic even harder to talk about. “It's such an intensely personal situation, and private that, in itself, causes it to be fairly taboo in society and within the church particularly. I hadn't really heard it spoken about. For me personally, one, or I'd say less than half a dozen people knew… Really, I didn't involve anybody for 10 years... There was only one or two people who really knew, and it is very isolating and it is lonely. Actually even those who knew, one or two were incredibly present and supportive, but generally they were the people closest to me and they were just at a loss themselves. And I think they just didn't know. My parents included, who I have a fantastic relationship with, any my mum had had some experiences later in her life with fertility, but they just didn't know what to say or how to stand by and how to advise.”
So what is helpful? What should someone do to try and avoid the isolation? Andy shared that ideally they could find another couple who’d experienced the same thing and who they could trust to keep their confidence. “Like most experiences like this, any grief experience, any sort of disease, sickness, anything, it's so much easier to give appropriate advice and support if you've experienced it yourself.”
However, that may not be possible, and so try to find someone who is sensitive, a good listener, empathetic and who can at least try to understand what you are facing. “So maybe the mother of six children is perhaps not necessarily the best person to ask. But certainly share it with somebody, I would wholeheartedly recommend that. I think trying to, to deal with it just within your marriage puts a huge strain on each other to try to be all things to each other. It is very difficult.”
“It's too big. It's too big for the confines [of your marriage]. In a way the intimacy of a marriage and the closeness of a marriage is the perfect place to be safe and share all you feel about it. But as Andy said, you can't possibly be all that each other need because you're both devastated and you're both grieving.”
“Infertility is a grieving process, but it's a rather unique grieving process in that it actually gets worse all the time, not better. And so the grief becomes more profound, more painful and more agonising.”
So what is helpful?
One. Infertility is something you face together. It is not one person’s problem. The decisions are made jointly, it’s no ones fault, and you face every situation together. And that includes the awkward questions and situations. “[D]ealing with the invites to baby showers, dealing with the invites to a christening, dealing with any of these things, we faced it together. And particularly when we were exploring treatment options, we faced those together.”
Two. Talk about it. Communication is so important and talking about how you are feeling throughout the ups and downs is imperative. “Talking about it was so pivotal and so key… It was never off limits, but we did set boundaries because it's such an open conversation and because it can dominate and because it can rear itself in so many unexpected ways. You can go through days or weeks or even months of feeling pretty okay. And then something curveballs and you just get slammed again. And we would always have an open table to talk about it, but we did set boundaries on the time of day or night. So we might draw a close to conversations an hour before bed, so we could sleep, or we might just have like a bath together or watch a quick box set or at the end of a heavy conversation, something to lighten it to just sort of clear it.”
Andy and Sarah also share the importance of diarising both fun and sex. And they give practical, honest and down to earth examples and suggestions for both of these things. And even for the realities surrounding when you need to take a break. “We had times where we would take a break from trying to try to conceive actually. So we'd be like, we're having a month or three or four months off. And therefore our intimacy could be repaired and restored a bit. And the sex was nothing to do with making a baby. Of course it might be tiny bit in the back of your mind, but it wasn't to do with ovulation sticks or to take your temperature or charts or anything.”
During their journey, Andy and Sarah decided to start doing a day long retreat. Sarah always through she’d write a book or do something after they had a baby. However, with the knowledge that that might never come, they decided that they didn’t need to wait but could bless themselves and others.
“We covered everything from keeping love alive in a marriage, to dealing with anxiety, to the theological response, to some of the treatment options… we have interviews with couples who have been through various treatment options to hear their stories. And it's just an opportunity for people who are going through infertility to come together and be around other people… It’s a lonely journey and for some couples who come, they haven't told anybody at all, not even their parents, nobody knows. And yet they have the tremendous courage to come for a day. And it's very exposing. You see, when they arrive, how vulnerable they feel, but hopefully by the end of the day, they leave with a heads up with some hope and optimism. So that was the vision. And that is the rhythm of hope.”
Andy and Sarah have a happy end to their story, but not everyone on this journey does and they remain so sensitive to this issue. “Although we have our son, a baby does not cure you of infertility. I'm still infertile and having a baby doesn't eradicate the years that you have journeyed through infertility. And we are just so sensitive to that. And so passionate that couples would just find a place where they can realize they're not alone, where we can try and point them to Jesus and give them some perspective and some hope for the future, regardless of the outcome of their journey… Our story isn't about our son, although he's a joy and a gift to us who we're forever thankful for. For us, it's been about God. And it's been about how he's come alongside and into the pain of our situation and transformed it so that we can genuinely say we wouldn't have actually had it any other way. And that's the miracle for us.”
If you or someone close to you is struggling with infertility, I would highly recommend listening to Andy and Sarah’s full interview. They speak so honestly and openly about their journey and very simply just want to help others.
You can watch the full interview below.
Additional Resources
https://www.rhythmofhope.co.uk
All quotes taken from 'Chats with Nicky and Sila Lee, Joined by Andy and Sarah Lang'